Escape the friend zone: Be a Girl, Not Just a Friend
If social networks have taught me anything for all these years I've been actively using them it must be that boys tend to suffer from that syndrome called ‘The Friend Zone'. According to my news feed, it seems to me that they suffer immensely, and that almost every other boy actually is a victim of heartless girls who are only kind enough to them to offer their friendship and want to have nothing more with them.
A couple of years ago there seemed to have been an entire avalanche of posts dedicated to girls who friendzoned tons of nice boys who wished to date them and they have only dated douche bags since. However, apart from the question of why girls don't want to date nice guys (but they do, trust us), we decided to raise another big question (and several others closely related):
And what about the girls being friendzoned? Why are they rarely mentioned? And is there any crucial difference between situations when girls are friendzoned, and when the same happens to boys?
For Those Tired of Waiting for Him, Wondering Is It Possible to Escape the Friend Zone Here Is a Helping Hand: Make 'Just Friends' Become History
For those of us who have experienced the ‘pleasures' and pains of living in the not-so-mythical land of Friend Zone you know that all we have to tell to those who haven't experienced such a situation yet is: "I find you very lucky!" If you have never been the one helplessly trying to insert ‘girl' in front of ‘friend', be grateful and move on. But for the rest for you, there is something you might want to know. Ladies... Read carefully.
Avoid being just friends
- Being the one
- ‘I am the one, but not the one I want...'
- Ask Beyonce
- Evolution loop hole
- A duel
- Ask for it
- Doormat is a no-no
- Not every guy's the same
- Take advantage of your alone time
- I'm (not) your friend
- Bonus round
1. Being the one
Girls don't play friends when they want something more.
If the years and years of listening to young women in my surrounding complaining about relationships (or lack of them) have brought anything to my attention, it was this: whenever a friend zone was involved in a problem it was after a certain time having been spent as friends; and it has all started with an intention of being only friends. It seems that we simply let our feelings evolve after some time. But when boys and getting friendzoned is in question it seems that they were sure about their intentions right away, and the ‘friendship' was only a lame excuse to get closer to us. In most cases, precisely that seems to be the difference. Girls don't simply go for friendship if they want something more. If they want something more, they go for something more. The real problem starts when life tricks us into going for friendship before we realize there is more to it that we want to accomplish. And sometimes, it seems that is too late to make things work.
2. ‘I am the one, but not the one I want...'
There's still hope for escaping the friend zone
A sheer number of girls have complained to me about being ‘the best friend', ‘an amazing woman', ‘a unique personality', ‘a girl every guy would wish to marry' to him; however, hardly any of them managed to become anything more than that. No matter how hard they tried to become anything he has ever wanted a woman to be, bringing up the topic of a romantic relationship would make the entire effort appear worthless. So, that can't not make us wonder: is it possible to escape the friend zone, like: ever?
There is no sure receipt or a magic spell that could assure you that he will fall for you. Nevertheless, there is some hope.
3. Ask Beyonce
In one of her songs from several years ago Beyonce is puzzled by the lack of emotions of the guy she wants, and then she says ‘When I make me so darn easy to love': it's got something to do with our topic here. By nature, men are hunters. What I am about to say to you sounded as cliche to me the first time I heard it as it is going to sound to you. It is in their ‘system' to ‘hunt' for what they want to have or with whom they want to be. In order to get them to become interested they need to be made feel more challenged. Without challenge, they will hardly ever try and act.
So try not to wear your heart on your sleeve, because most likely it won't be of any help. For the same strange reason mentioned above, boys are not really excited by the fact that they can have you any time they want. It's simply as if it doesn't make blood rush through their veins. Something else has to be done.
4. Evolution loop hole
Now when there are supermarkets and fast food chains on every corner, there is no need for men to really go hunting. Some of them go for the sake of fun, but the others simply find it pointless (the opinion I actually understand). However, that is the case because there are remnants of their minds that somehow failed to evolve, and now, instead of boars or deer, they have the need to hunt our hearts.
That somehow brings us to conclusion that when they do say that we are the best (friends) ever, and that they really like us, they actually (and unfortunately, perhaps) do mean that. But because we are always there for them and they know that they can rely on us (isn't that what friendship is all about?) and have no challenge to hang on to. Are you tilting your head by now? Yes, to a reasonable person, this sounds whacky at first, but then you think about it more and it makes more sense. When us girls friendzone guys, why is that for? Yes, precisely that that came to your mind. And that, too. You see? There is no much difference. However, us friendzoning them is not what bothers us at the moment.
5. A duel
If they want a challenge, give them a challenge. Let that be our rule No. 1. But remember: do not be obvious. That is the crucial thing No. 2 in these situations. Let him know that you can have other guys if you want to. That, if you want to, you can be interested in other guys, as well; and that you are willing to date other guys if they try hard enough and fight for your attention.
Firstly, at the point when you are proving that, your significant friend doesn't even have to be completely aware that you are into him the way you are (but he could be). What is important here is to somehow bring your love life to his conscious. Make him think about it for a while. Then he'll think about it a bit longer, and there you go: a progress.
No, we can't say we did it, but we made an important step on the way to it. Making him see that he can lose you, or have to share your attention with another male specimen can spark up a bit of jealousy in his mind. Boys don't always like to share, especially if on some level they actually like us, but are not aware of it. And that is a fact us girls love.
The other thing that we should be aware of is that if it is the case, they won't be willing to say it out loud, but they will surely make some sort of a comment at some point. Another plus side is that, if you start spending more time with someone else, and less with him, he will have more time to think about what his time with you means to him. Who knows what can happen in his pretty head when you are away...
6. Ask for it
Something us young ladies and women in the friend zone realized, or re-realized, is that not only doing favors, but also asking for them can make your relationship with your friend more profound and closer to the actual dating. And why is that for, you ask? Well, ladies wanting to escape the friend zone, believe it or not: it is for more or less the same reason they have the need to hunt their love pray. They like to feel needed from time to time to fix our stuff or help brush up on our finals knowledge. Don't mix it up: they don't want to feel abused, but they like from time to time to feel that we rely on their skillful hands and clever minds. And to be honest, it's handy to have a helping hand around the house from time to time: that makes it a win-win situation.
7. Doormat is a no-no
Be a doormat to no man, ever!
Every hopeless friendzone victim has been, at one point of her ‘just friends' life, a doormat to the man she secretly or not-so-secretly wanted to date. After a series of hopeless attempts to get his attention, girls desperate to escape the friend zone do their best constantly happy and content that they are willing to do everything he wants, hoping that eventually he will realize how much he depends on her and finally promise her the everlasting love she was searching for all along.
What happens to them is when they realize what they have done, it is probably too late. By that time there is not much they could do to make things better. He is already used to having her do whatever he likes, and he feels self-confident enough to not want to change much.
Let's make it clear: it's one thing being always there for him as a friend; and it is completely different being there to fulfill his every whim and wish. Former makes you a good friend, and latter makes you a doormat. Make sure you know the difference before you get yourself hurt.
8. Not every guy's the same
Contrary to the popular belief of the women who perpetually fail to have a successful relationship; the truth is that not all men are the same. Just like not all women are so. What is a good approach for one guy can be a lame approach for the other one. Some guys won't ever let a girl become a doormat in their surrounding, because they are just a gentleman enough, others will simply enjoy having putting women in the friend zone (there is actually a psychological explanation for that, but let's leave that for some other occasion), some of them will be flattered to know that someone is in the friend zone because of them, others would be repelled. It's nothing strange: it's like when you like your eggs poached, but your sister likes them sunny side up. No big deal, but that's just the way it is. It's the same with guys' preferences. It's the same even with us. But it's up to us to realize that differences are there, analyze them, and realize whether or not with should cope with them and how.
9. Take advantage of your alone time
If you have a whole afternoon for yourselves in his house, don't spend it on a couch shouting to one another to bring the popcorns. Use the joys of the privacy you have at hand.
Well, don't get carried away there.
If you're watching a movie, lean your head on his shoulder or rest your legs on his lap. If you're cooking together, occasionally brush against him while you're trying to reach a spoon. Ask him to give you a massage because you're feeling your shoulders are a bit too tense from the workout.
It's the little things that can get the sparks going.
A tickle can turn into a hug, a hug into snuggling, and snuggling can increase your dopamine and pheromone levels leading him thinking more about you before you know it. So just start slow.
10. I'm (not) your friend
When it comes to social relationships, we tend to gather most of the information unconsciously. We receive many non-verbal clues and interpret them without even realizing. That's what makes you say that someone has a repellant personality in your opinion. Or when somebody seems like a trustworthy person from the moment you meet them. They sort of ‘emit' that vibe.
Now, how can you use that to avoid the friend zone? Stop sending the friendly signs. That doesn't mean that you should start attacking the poor guy, of course, but that you should be less particular when communicating with him.
If you keep constantly repeating that the two of you are just friends, of course he'll never think that you might be covering something up. Start changing your boundaries slowly. Instead of introducing him as your friend, try introducing him as a dear friend. Instead of just saying hi, hug him when you meet him. Again, small steps, but meaningful.
11. Bonus round
Don't try to ruin his present relationship
If he's already taken, sorry. Still, that doesn't give you credit to go ahead and slam what potentially can be a meaningful relationship. Not only will you affect a connection two people have been working on for a while, but you will also change the way he thinks of you, and not for the better.
That is not how to avoid the friend zone. If he's not happy about his relationship, you can be sure that, at one point, he'll break it off. And you better be there for him when he does that to comfort him and offer support (yes, that's how you'll be a worthy woman and do it).
Otherwise, if he finds out you've been messing with his relationship behind his back, he will not only lose any respect he had for you, but you will also lose any chance for even friendship.
Talk to his other friends
Things are always better when you know you have someone watching your back. Or in this case, listening out for you. If your common friend seems worthy of your trust, try confiding in them. It will help you feel better by finally revealing your feelings to someone and that friend. It will also give you a different perspective or a piece of advice if that person knows him longer than you. Or maybe even help you shift his attention towards you.
Prince Charming to be. Or not.
Our goal is never to discourage you. An idea to fight for what we want to accomplish should be supported. However, the truth behind most of the friend zone cases is that most of the time, the couple in question actually remains just friends. There is no sure way, or step by step guide to the help you escape you the friend zone; we have already said that. Most of the time this problem is not solved due to someone's pride, vanity, or simply lack of communication. Sometimes people are simply afraid that they will lose both a friend and a lover if they enter such a relationship. It is not always such an easy situation to solve, neither for the one who is in the friend zone, nor for the one who is the cause of it.
What is upon you is to make sure is to know that you have tried. If you do not succeed, move on. Not every match is perfect, nor every relationship is supposed to succeed. That is something you can leave with. But knowing that you have never even tried to fix things, or make them happen, is something a lot harder to bear.