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How to Be Awkward on a Date: A Living Socially Awkward Penguin

If you are looking for ways to be awkward so you would know what not to say on a first date, you have come to the right place. If you wish to troll, once again, this is where it is all at, laid out for you.

Awkward Things To Do Or Say On A First Date

Some of us are born socially awesome, but most of us are the spitting image of the socially awkward penguin. Admit it, you have probably related to far more socially awkward penguin memes then you care to acknowledge.

funny girl with pointer finger in guys nose

So, let’s say you want to play that up a bit or perhaps, that you want to know exactly what type of behavior to avoid, depending on the situation.

Step By Step Examples Of How To Be Awkward On A First Date You Can Use For Either Trolling, Or Avoiding

Right here is the ultimate guide on how to be awkward, on so many levels. The following text is a step by step scenario that may be used for trolling, or simply as a good example of “bad” behavior.

The Meeting

Use your strong hand

Suppose you are going out on a first date with someone you really like. How to be awkward right from the start? Go to your meeting point, and stare blankly into space, or in the wrong direction, so you don’t notice your date when they approach you. And when they finally do, ignore them for a few additional seconds, just to add a little edge to it. Then turn around, in surprise, and say “oh, sorry, I didn’t notice you”, and offer a handshake. This is the next important step, The Awkward Handshake. Hold your arm out straight from the shoulder, stiffly, and when you hold your date’s hand, grip it firmly, and vigorously pump, just once, like you just agreed to something. You can have a solemn facial expression, or a ridiculous grin, whatever you think would work best.   

The Activity

Don't be afraid of taking the scenic route in your date

So, now that you are both at the same place at the same time, you should do something fun, right? Like, go somewhere? A café, the movies, to the park, to the zoo, to the mall? A difficult decision, isn’t it? Exactly. So, the next awkward thing you should do is to be as indecisive as possible. Take a long time to agree to something, but then keep talking to your date, or even to yourself, about the pros and cons, and change your mind. Then switch back to the original idea, and then change your mind to something completely different. Make sure that while this is going on, the two of you aren’t actually doing anything. The best scenario is that you stand in the same spot, thinking about options, all the while wasting your date’s time.

The Conversation

Don't even try to make up for the silence

While you are out doing something, you two should probably talk to get to know each other. This is kind of awkward in itself, as you can never be sure what to talk about and what not to mention, but to spice things up, you have two options: reveal nothing, or, reveal everything.
In option number one, you avoid any meaningful conversation. Sometimes, of all the awkward things to say, the most awkward is: nothing. Instead, you comment on your immediate surroundings, for example, the weather, the crowd, the ugly child over there… Your date will then probably try to bring up a more interesting topic. You should reply something neutral; just toss the ball back to your date. When asked a question, give a vague answer, so that your date is likely to rephrase it, or ask another one, trying to get you to talk. Beware of this old trick, and stick to your nonspecific replies. This may lead to your date talking way more than they normally would, trying to make up for your silence. Or, they may feel discouraged, and talk less. In both cases, awkwardness will be felt.
Alternatively, you can simply talk too much. Disregard the conversational norms, and continue talking when it’s your date’s turn to speak. And what you speak about is also very important. In contrast to the first method, here you should be as open and informational as possible. Don’t leave anything out, mention that you wetted the bed until you were 10, or that time you had athlete’s foot, or that your legs would be hairier then theirs if you didn’t shave, or something of the like. Your date is bound to feel awkward when confronted with such personal information on the very first date, and will be confused about how to react, whether to just make a neutral polite remark and move on, or to share a similar story.

The Jokes

At least you thought it was funny, right?

If you’re trying to induce awkwardness, always go for the death jokes. For example, if you’re going up in a building and you’re looking for awkward things to say in an elevator, say something like “I wonder how many people died in elevators this year”, or, “Imagine we get stuck in the elevator and no one finds us for days. Who do you think survives?” Watching The Pythons (Monty Python Flying Circus) would be a great way to tap into that famous British humor, and refine your own dark sense of it.

The Behavior or What Not To Say On A First Date

Don't talk about the future

No matter what, always be polite. So, while your date is talking, wander off into your own thoughts, and then say “sorry, what did you say? I kinda spaced out”. Then, after a while, do this again, and again. Another awkward thing to say is something that makes you sound like you expect a lot to happen between you and your date. For example, if they mention they like swimming, you can suggest you go to a lake… to spend your holidays… next summer. Or even better, smoothly insert a sentence that starts with “when we get married…” and a little bit later, try to get them to imagine what your children would look like, and think of baby names. If your date mentions their parents, say that you think it would be fun to meet them for a cup of coffee, but without your date. Of course, on the top of the What Not To Say On A First Date list is talking about your ex. So, if you are trying to max up on the awkwardness, this should be your topic of choice. For optimal effect, don’t bring it up right away, wait about 90 minutes into the conversation, then start sporadically mentioning your ex, until it’s a full blown character description.

The Parting

Are you going on a second date with him?

Provided that your date had the patience to sit through this date with you, you have now arrived to the point where you say goodnight. To be awkward, you should politely ask when you can have a second date. If you receive an answer, say something like you’re not sure and you’ll be in touch. If you don’t receive an answer, ask again. After that, have a little awkward silence, and then just say “goodnight”, then turn on your heel and walk away, no kiss, no handshake, no looking back.

So, this has been our step by step guide to an awkward date, we hope you enjoyed. Now remember, we provide the info, you use it as you wish. Now, go have a completely awkwardness-free first date, or keep on trolling in the free world. Your choice.

By Abie Giles

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